


Welcome To the Shinigami Dispatch Society |Crack|

by dibbledorkable



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Crack, Crack Relationships?, Swearing, lots and lots of swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-07-18 19:10:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7326862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dibbledorkable/pseuds/dibbledorkable
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nothing good comes out of a stash full of alcohol, especially with a bunch of dimwitted reapers.<br/>But you know what the worst part is? They have to perform a speech to a bunch of new-comer reapers at a very important ceremony.<br/>There's only one way this can go down, and that way is badly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Welcome To the Shinigami Dispatch Society |Crack|

**Author's Note:**

> I regret nothing.
> 
> swearing warning, but this is a crackfic, what did you expect?
> 
> Based of this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0N8WZMImCI

Tonight was a very  _very_ , special night, this was the night were the new members of the shinigami dispatch society were recruited, got their glasses and scythes and shit like that, think of it as… a famous ritual. They would spend the night celebrating over their achievements, having a few drinks, and altogether having a little fun.    
However, on this particular night, both Undertaker and William got in on the fun (William at first refused, but pressure from Undie and the others got him to) and to say that they got a little tipsy was like saying that Grell was a little flamboyant. Which was quite a problem, as both of them had to deliver a speech to the newbies about the overall rules of both the facility and doing their jobs properly, something that really shouldn’t be put in the hands of two drunkards.   
  
  
  
“Underfucker’s gonna say a few words to you now so y’all better pay some attention now, ya hear!” William said as he stood in front of a silver-looking podium, causing the chatter of the newcomers to die down. They were all sitting in well made benches strewn about the room, inside a huge hall filled with clean windows looking out into the night.  
  
As William stepped aside, Undertaker stood up from his chair and front-flipped off, landing on his face with a splat, then he stood up like nothing ever happened and cleared his throat. “Good evening first-years, and welcome to the shinigami dispatch society,” he addressed to the crowd, dramatically opening his arms with a jerk. “Remember, the first floor toilets are off bounds, to anyone who doesn’t wish to die a very painful.sexual.death.”   
  
  
  
“very evil demons are in the first floor—“  
  
“like bassy—“  
  
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Undertaker screeched, throwing an empty beer bottle at the poor red-head’s… head.  
  
Like hell was he going to get interrupted.  
  
“like I was saying…” he turned back around to the students, pointing his finger up in a sassy manner “…evil demons are in the first floor. Very evil INDEED…”  
  
  
  
“THEY HAVE TWELVE PENISES—”  
  
  
  
“oh my god, Undie” William stuttered shocked, putting his hand over his mouth.  
  
“THEY WILL INSERT THEM INTO YOUR ORIFICES” Undertaker said rather enthusiastically, making the sexual motion of sticking his finger in a circle he made with his other hand.  
  
  
  
“very DEEP inside. THEY WILL RUPTURE YOUR INSIDES—“  
  
  
  
Stepping towards him, William grabbed his arms to stop the motions. “Undie, I think we’ve just… we’ve got a few other things to talk about first.”  
  
  
  
Slapping his hand away and pushing him down on the floor, Undertaker yelled, “SHUT IT YOU STUPID WOMAN”  
  
“nO” William sat up, shaking his finger “no you don’t talk to me like that these days”  
  
  
  
“BUT…” Undertaker continued, starting to make the sexual motion again “THEY NEED TO BE AWARE OF THE PENISES INSIDE OF THE VAGINA”   
  
Suddenly standing up, William ran over to him, shaking his shoulder to get him to stop, “NO. No they don’t you little sick man, I’ll…”  
  
  
  
“IT’S VERY IMPORTANT AND ITS VERY DANGEROUS” he exclaimed, filling his arms about in a random motion.   
  
pointing an accusing finger at him again, William again tried his best to calm the drunk man down,””you're such a sick BASTERD, look at, look, FUCK OFF JUST SHUT UP—  
  
“I AM ADRIAN CREVAN!” Undertaker yelled dramatically, throwing his arms out as lightning accompanied him, as if he was some type of Jesus-looking motherfucker.  
  
While this whole ordeal was happening, all of the first years either looked horrified, disgusted, hysterical or very interested (that one interested person being Grell).  
  
“shut up. I don’t give a FUCK who you are” William retorted, pointing a finger at him again, “this is MY BLOODY DIVISION SON, SO SHUT UP nOOOOOOWWW”   
  
  
  
“WILLIAM T. SPEARS YA WRINKLY BITCH” Undertaker said, a small chuckle escaping his lips.  
  
  
  
“oh, OH WHY YA CALLING ME THAT YOU CREEPY BASTARD?!”  
  
  
  
“I’M. TRYING. TO EMPHASISE THE DANGER of the SITUATION.” Undertaker said, turning to William and moving his arms to the stressed words.  
  
  
  
“there are no dangers—“  
  
“THE PENISES OF THESE MONSTERS—“  
  
  
  
“why are you talking about their focken penises all the time?”  
  
“THEY’RE INSERTING THEIR PENISES INTO THE PUPILS OF OUR STUDENTS”   
  
  
  
Slapping a hand over his mouth, William cleared his throat before bursting out, “I think you’re a gay, old bastard man—“  
  
“VERY SEXUAL AND—“ Undertaker spoke, though it was muffled by the hand covering his mouth.  
  
“NO” William said, finally having enough, “why don’t you just SHUT UP, you and your fucking funeral shit always creeping everyone out.”  
  
“THE REAPERS ARE IN DANGER OF THESE PENIS DEMONS!” Undertaker said, pushing William away from him and motioning to everyone else in the hall, who all had a tiny laugh at the pointless bickering, hiding their silent chuckles behind themselves and others.  
  
  
  
“look at that fucking Ronald bastard, he’s still at least 200 years from fucking puberty” William said, moving the attention from him to the said boy in the front, Undertaker flashing him a sinister smile.  
  
Ronald slowly started to back away, “please leave me out of this—“  
  
  
  
“RONALD KNOX,” Undertaker bellowed, climbing up and squatting on the podium, pointing at him all the while.  
  
“NO” William shouted in Ronald’s defence, stepping in front of him, ‘shielding’ him in a way “you leave his little bottom alone”  
  
  
  
“RONALD THEY’RE GONNA PENIS YOUR… BOTTOM”   
  
“don’t be scaring him like that” William pled, turning around and walking up to Ronald, patting him reassuringly, “the only thing that comes out of your bottom is poo” he carried to the poor boy, while Undertaker continued to scream the boy’s name, “we only want poo coming out…”  
  
  
  
“RONALD, YOU’D BETTER BE CAREFUL FROM THE PENISES” Undertaker said, slowly getting off the podium and walking towards him.  
  
  
  
“Reapers, reapers. Don’t listen to the old focker” William pled, covering  ~~my shota senpai~~  Ronald’s precious ears.  
  
  
  
“BIG.BULBOUS.PENISES” Undertaker screeched, who was now dry-humping the podium.  
  
“MY GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU” William screeched right back at him.  
  
  
  
Undertaker just bent over, motioning to his backside before continuing, "THEY’RE GOING TO RUPTURE YOUR ANAL CAVITY”  
  
William was too busy calming down the other reapers to notice Undertaker's lewd position “Don’t listen to him he’s talking a load of SHIT”  
  
“YOU BETTER WATCH OUT”  
  
  
  
“Look, i’m gonna fucking retire if you keep up with this shit”  
  
While this was happening, Grell got up from their seat, “look, as much as we all love this, I think it’s high time that we stop—“  
  
“GRELL  _SLUT_ CLIFF YA CHUBBY COON, THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU YA FUCKING PUSSY BITCH”  
  
“OH ARE YOU CALLING HIM THAT BECAUSE HE WAS A FUCKING CAT?!” William retorted from behind.  
  
  
  
“hey, that was only one time. It wasn’t even in canon—“  
  
“YOU WERE A FUCKING CAAAGGGGHHHT?” Undertaker questioned, Grell slowly backing away and returning to their seat.  
  
  
  
“WHY AREN’T YOU IN A CAGE YOU FILTHY ANIMAL?”   
  
  
  
As he sat back down, Eric (who was seated next to him) muttered, “oh my goddess, this is getting out of hand”  
  
Grell just kicked back their legs and smirked, “yeah, but we’re never gonna get another opportunity like this again, best to enjoy it”  
  
  
  
“THAT’S IT YOU’RE NEVER GETTING A BLOWJOB FROM ME AGAIN”

**Author's Note:**

> now everyone knows how silly I am 
> 
> By the way, does anyone else think that Undertaker would make a good Dumbledore?  
> I mean, just look at him... he's got the silver hair part down at least.
> 
> Silly Undie, what were you thinking? Now is not the time to be getting drunk off your ass.
> 
> Can reapers even get drunk? Oh well, they can in this story, Yay


End file.
